Top 5 Trends to End in 2015

I meant to post this in January but of course I am late. (You are aware of the URL of this blog, no?)

With the new year (ahem) in full swing, resolutions made and busted, I hope we can focus on a few trends to end in 2015.

1) Trending.

I absolutely loathe made up words. And although I have a Twitter account and new people keep following me (why?), I haven't logged in in about two years. I don't hate Twitter, I just still don't get it.

2) Sugar as devil/addiction/death wish. Or any food that you "should never eat."

Is it poison? I think I already blogged about this in the post in which I explained that I was sugar-free for THREE WHOLE DAYS IN A ROW. But mainly my point is, food restrictions and 30-day diets and juicing and all that crap are just ways for the people proselytizing and extolling the virtues of colon cleanses and what-not to make money off of you. Any diet that tells you you can't even eat a piece of birthday cake at your kid's birthday party is just setting you up to fail. It's kind of ridiculous how obsessed thin, middle-class/rich people are with monitoring their food intake and throughput. A doctor in one of these articles put it this way: if you're of normal weight with normal blood sugar, blood pressure, and cholesterol, then you probably don't need to change anything.

3) Soul Cycle is the best workout ever!

OMG! Didn't spin classes start like 20 years ago? Tell me what is so fucking revolutionary about Soul Cycle? Really. I have never been. I hate spin class. I hate spin class because I am actual cyclist and spin class is just a way to pedal in winter and keep your ass in shape (literally, I mean keep it accustomed to sitting on a tiny, uncomfortable bike seat) so that you can hit the road or trail again in the spring. People who ride actual bikes do not do pushups on their handle bars. They do not spend 50% or more of their ride out of the saddle. It's probably more like 5%. Maybe. Look, I am not a hater of anyone who wants to exercise and has found a way that they enjoying doing it. But it's not a lifestyle, people. I care as much about your Soul Cycle addiction as I do about your gluten intolerance. It's an overpriced, overly-sweaty way to listen to music while burning some extra calories. Trust me, you are not burning enough extra calories that you actually need to deliberately eat before class. And that sweatiness? It's not the sign of an amazing workout, it's a sign that there is no actual air moving past your body to dry the sweat away.

4) Oh yeah, about that gluten.

Please stop, everyone, talking about how going gluten-free has changed your life. So you stopped eating Nutter Butters for breakfast? Congratulations. Guess what? I stopped eating raw onions because they made my stomach hurt and you know what? My stomach doesn't hurt when I avoid eating raw onions. Gluten don't mean a thing (unless you have celiac disease). If you think it makes you feel better to avoid eating it? Great. But STFU. No one cares. NO ONE. Also, why the hell is my body lotion now labeled gluten free? And then...the gluten...TOUCHED MY SKIN! I just...am without words. For serious, here's what I really find objectionable--the idea that gluten-free foods are HEALTHY and those containing gluten are not.

5) Parenting Humblebragging

I think, generally speaking, that more people should just mind their own business and stop judging others for procreating, but sometimes I think you deserve to be judged when you say such things as "my 6-year-old daughter wants to give a speech about colonialism" and then following it with #winning. For example. Eyeroll. Winning at parenting? This just bothers me. It's obnoxious. Maybe I'm sensitive because every day I feel like I am losing at parenting when I can't even get two kids coordinated to go for a walk to the park. It's one thing to share your kids' accomplishments with your social network, but keep your gloating to your smug self. (side note, hashtags are pretty annoying too, aren't they over yet?).

Those are my Top 5. What did I miss? Besides "Top x" lists. I originally titled this simply "Trends to End," but it wasn't catchy enough, right?

Conversations with Toddlers

A few weeks ago I realized I had just had a conversation with my 2-year-old. Which is pretty cool the first time it happens. We've been doing a lot of talking over here recently, and I thought I would share some of my favorite "conversations."

Senior: Do you love Mommy? Junior: Yes!
Senior: Do you love Bro? Junior: Yes!
Senior: Do you love Daddy? Junior: Yes!
Me (because I am an a-hole): Who do you love most? Junior: Nanny!

Genius, really. What a little diplomat.

*****

Some background: Junior has a 4-year-old cousin, M, who only eats carrots as far as vegetables go. Also, my dad is a weekend-warrior type breeder of Morgan horses. We had a horse named Fuzz who was recently sold but went to a client in the same barn. We still visit Fuzz about every other weekend, along with the other horses.
Scene: around our kitchen table, trying to get Junior to eat some vegetables. Tonight? Carrots.

Me: Do you like carrots? I like carrots.
Junior pretends not to hear me and does not eat carrots.
Me: Do you know who else likes carrots? Junior: Nonno!
Me: Who else likes carrots? (expecting he will say M) Junior: Fuzz!


*****

Scene: around out kitchen table, trying to get Junior to eat the lovely quiche Senior has prepared for dinner. (No, he used frozen pie crust. Don't give him too much credit.)

Us, pleading: c'mon, this is eggs, you like eggs!
Junior, refusing to eat quiche: I no like it!

Senior sneaks a bite of food in his mouth while he's whining. Junior obviously does like it. Junior continues to not eat quiche. I fear for his teenage years.

*****

Scene: Starbucks drive-thru.

Junior: Mommy, I want french fries!
Senior, you're busted.

*****

Scene: driving home after picking up Junior at day care.

Me: are you hungry? What should we have for supper?
Junior: Both.
Me: Both? Both of what?
Junior: I want both. Mommy, I want both.
Me: What do you mean you want both?
Junior: I want oreos and ice cream.

Duh, naturally. He is my child, after all!

Reclaiming My Identity

This blog is supposed to be irreverent and funny, dammit. I would like to at least try to be funny instead of angry all the time. Although I should probably just admit that I am an angry-type person. Today I cried while listening to the Barenaked Ladies' The Old Apartment (ah, memories!), though, too, so I think I just feel every feeling a lot?

Anyway...you've probably seen the research that shows that you will spend like 2 million dollars on your kids before they reach adulthood. It's really not nearly that much actually. But I wonder if those tallies account for all the things you have to re-buy because your kid destroys them. The other day Senior asked me where the new bottle of California Baby soap was, and I replied "I don't know, what did you do with it?" There was the empty bottle that Junior plays with in the bath. And there was the other empty bottle--the brand new one that was completely full until Junior, apparently, dumped it down the drain. That was 10 wasted dollars! And now Senior has forbidden me from buying more California Baby until we finish the jumbo bottle of the Walgreen's private label crap.

I can't even remember now all the things that Junior has broken or otherwise caused harm to because I have selectively blocked it from my memory, but suffice it to say that countless book pages have been torn ("I rip it!"), plastic bits snapped, and oh, I don't know, things like leather couches have been scribbled on with pens. He threw an acorn at me once and landed it on the lens of my fancy camera, over which of course I did not have the protective filter, but thankfully that did not cause any damage. He drew on the $60 print of our family on the beach, but you better believe that ink washes off a $60 freakin' photograph, so that was okay too. But what if these weren't just close calls and I had to replace such things? I guess I would be a) a lot more careful with my nice stuff, or b) would not have any nice stuff, or c) would at least be a lot thriftier with certain things that one can be thrifty about.

Like tomorrow, I am "working from home" in the morning so that I can "go to a doctor appointment for LJ" go to the kids' crap semi-annual consignment sale. I'm hoping for a double jogger that can double as a regular double stroller, and possibly an exersaucer (if the one I thought I saw in my parents' basement, probably leftover from my sister whose youngest is now 6, is in fact not there), and probably a variety of other things I don't need or don't yet know that I actually need--are those 2 things one in the same? Oh wait, and maybe one or two convertible car seats if they are newer models. Anyway, I typically hate shopping for anything but perhaps it won't be so bad if I am skipping work, I mean attributing the time to my lunch break. Wish me luck!

Wow. WOw! WOW!!

I really don't want to get into this and ruin my Friday night, so consider this the highlight reel. I had the face-to-face about not attending the social event on Tuesday. I just wanted to explain why I couldn't attend and some understanding from the partners would be nice to have. Instead I was blindsided by most of what was said in the conversation, because, well, who could be prepared for this? Actually said to me by the managing partner:

--"This firm has been very supportive of your maternity leaves." (By offering them according to the firm's policy and the law?)

--"First of all, you are not a single mother."

--In fact, you have more family in the area than just your husband to watch your kids. (This one is sort of a paraphrase. I responded to this, not apologetically: "You make assumptions that my parents will take care of my kids but they can't and they don't." )

--So-and-so who lives with her parents and does not have children went. (To which I replied, "she has a totally different situation than I do." She also was assigned to cover hearings in Phila that day. Guess what? If I had to be there for work anyway I would have stayed too!)

Mind you I have not asked that I not do actual work outside of work hours (e.g. I have been assigned to a doctor deposition at 5:30 next week about an hour from home/my office). Look, I would have actually loved to go to this thing. In fact just that morning on the way to work I was reminiscing about my childless days and what I would be doing after work, and how putting in a few hours on the weekend would be no big deal and would make me feel good about my effort and dedication to my work.

The first statement I did not address and just inwardly rolled my eyes, but I can say that I went into this conversation hoping to feel better about my responsibilities to my job, and walked out hating it so much more. It is bullshit like this from the managing partner that makes women with children just check out and leave the workplace altogether. He also expressed a great deal of dissatisfaction with my response to an email from my boss that asked who was going and who was driving together. I simply said "I am not going. Have fun, everyone!" and he took great offense. As if that were my official RSVP or something. I said I meant the words literally, and there was no intention to convey that I was being flip. He said I was being glib. Apparently he thought I did not mean it when I told everyone to have fun. My biggest problem with this, however, is that he never asked me to come talk to him, I took it upon myself. I didn't even know he was pissed about the email. Oh, yeah, then he said that my response should have said that I wished I could attend but due to family obligations I could not. Which he just explained to me was not actually an acceptable reason for not attending.

Last night I was texting with my friend in the Newark office to ask if he attended. he did not, because he didn't feel like dealing with the train and getting home late, etc. But he did not get shit for not attending. Maybe his managing partner cares even less about him. But what I really think is that my managing partner takes it as a personal insult if someone in his office doesn't represent him the way he wants to be represented. I mean, whatever that means, given that he can't actually say what he wants. Instead of sending me a bunch of emails telling me to make every effort to attend an-out-of-town social event, why don't you walk your ass down to my office and have a conversation with me about it? As my friend in Newark says, he's had it up to here with this place. What a colossal understatement.