Thursday, May 2, 2013

Monday: The Donna

A law school friend of mine posted on Facebook one day that "In the spirit of Crossfit," he was going to "start applying names to small collections of various activities." Last Sunday, he did Steve, which involved waking up hungover and reading and marking up a stock purchase agreement for 74 minutes. One repetition. The next day, he did Stacy, which included waking up 20 minutes late, tripping over the cat in the kitchen while trying to grab an untoasted English muffin for breakfast, and various encounters with characters old ladies and messenger bags on the NYC subway. (Oh, I do not miss that place!)

So, in the spirit of my funny law school friend Peter C., last Monday, and every Monday, I did/do Donna. It seems to me that if you are a woman who is going to end up litigating a workers' compensation claim with your employer, you have about a 23% chance of being named Donna. (No disrespect to my mother-in-law.) Not sure why, but we have a number of female comp cases against claimants named Donna.

So here's your Donna:
Wake up at some varying degree of lateness, because even if the baby woke you up early, then it was probably too early, and as you fed him you both fell back to sleep. Wake up again, rouse husband from child-like deep slumber to take care of baby. Dress in uniform of snap-strap nursing tank top, pants that at 6-months postpartum you are no longer permitted to close with a BeBand, and 3/4-sleeve cardigan from Target.

Fill breast pump bag with supplies. Turn on BlackBerry. Finish packing lunch, which is weight-aided by husband who makes your sandwich. Kiss baby and husband good-bye and exit home carrying two to four bags for all your crap. Forget to check emails at red lights. Dutifully drive past Starbucks due to lateness. Arrive at office 32-44 minutes after staff arrives.

Debate whether to drink hot coffee or iced coffee. Decide on iced coffee, which involves multiple trips to the kitchen to brew, chill, ice and pour coffee. I told you this is a workout. Return to kitchen to make oatmeal for breakfast. Return to office. Boot up computer. Talk about kids with office neighbor while computer boots up. Close office door for pumping session. Look at pictures of baby on iPhone. While on iPhone text husband to send more pictures of baby. Check Gmail. 

Stuff, stuff, stuff and stuff. Close vertical blinds because afternoon sun obscures computer screen. Stuff, stuff, stuff and stuff. Describe stuff in overabundant detail in one-tenth of an hour increments on time sheet. Print something to read in case you might "work from home" later or feed baby while awake tomorrow morning. Power off computer.

Open vertical blinds so tomorrow morning it looks like you were there before staff arrived. [end workout]*

*But don't forget to cool down with various chores around the house, which don't include washing dishes, and a three-hour feeding and bedtime routine.

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