Sunday, April 26, 2015

Top 5 Trends to End in 2015

I meant to post this in January but of course I am late. (You are aware of the URL of this blog, no?)

With the new year (ahem) in full swing, resolutions made and busted, I hope we can focus on a few trends to end in 2015.

1) Trending.

I absolutely loathe made up words. And although I have a Twitter account and new people keep following me (why?), I haven't logged in in about two years. I don't hate Twitter, I just still don't get it.

2) Sugar as devil/addiction/death wish. Or any food that you "should never eat."

Is it poison? I think I already blogged about this in the post in which I explained that I was sugar-free for THREE WHOLE DAYS IN A ROW. But mainly my point is, food restrictions and 30-day diets and juicing and all that crap are just ways for the people proselytizing and extolling the virtues of colon cleanses and what-not to make money off of you. Any diet that tells you you can't even eat a piece of birthday cake at your kid's birthday party is just setting you up to fail. It's kind of ridiculous how obsessed thin, middle-class/rich people are with monitoring their food intake and throughput. A doctor in one of these articles put it this way: if you're of normal weight with normal blood sugar, blood pressure, and cholesterol, then you probably don't need to change anything.

3) Soul Cycle is the best workout ever!

OMG! Didn't spin classes start like 20 years ago? Tell me what is so fucking revolutionary about Soul Cycle? Really. I have never been. I hate spin class. I hate spin class because I am actual cyclist and spin class is just a way to pedal in winter and keep your ass in shape (literally, I mean keep it accustomed to sitting on a tiny, uncomfortable bike seat) so that you can hit the road or trail again in the spring. People who ride actual bikes do not do pushups on their handle bars. They do not spend 50% or more of their ride out of the saddle. It's probably more like 5%. Maybe. Look, I am not a hater of anyone who wants to exercise and has found a way that they enjoying doing it. But it's not a lifestyle, people. I care as much about your Soul Cycle addiction as I do about your gluten intolerance. It's an overpriced, overly-sweaty way to listen to music while burning some extra calories. Trust me, you are not burning enough extra calories that you actually need to deliberately eat before class. And that sweatiness? It's not the sign of an amazing workout, it's a sign that there is no actual air moving past your body to dry the sweat away.

4) Oh yeah, about that gluten.

Please stop, everyone, talking about how going gluten-free has changed your life. So you stopped eating Nutter Butters for breakfast? Congratulations. Guess what? I stopped eating raw onions because they made my stomach hurt and you know what? My stomach doesn't hurt when I avoid eating raw onions. Gluten don't mean a thing (unless you have celiac disease). If you think it makes you feel better to avoid eating it? Great. But STFU. No one cares. NO ONE. Also, why the hell is my body lotion now labeled gluten free? And then...the gluten...TOUCHED MY SKIN! I without words. For serious, here's what I really find objectionable--the idea that gluten-free foods are HEALTHY and those containing gluten are not.

5) Parenting Humblebragging

I think, generally speaking, that more people should just mind their own business and stop judging others for procreating, but sometimes I think you deserve to be judged when you say such things as "my 6-year-old daughter wants to give a speech about colonialism" and then following it with #winning. For example. Eyeroll. Winning at parenting? This just bothers me. It's obnoxious. Maybe I'm sensitive because every day I feel like I am losing at parenting when I can't even get two kids coordinated to go for a walk to the park. It's one thing to share your kids' accomplishments with your social network, but keep your gloating to your smug self. (side note, hashtags are pretty annoying too, aren't they over yet?).

Those are my Top 5. What did I miss? Besides "Top x" lists. I originally titled this simply "Trends to End," but it wasn't catchy enough, right?

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